Florida Women's Law Group

Life After A Narcissist

Life After a Narcissist

After a marriage and divorce from a narcissist you are probably feeling completely depleted and utterly exhausted.  Now is the time to begin the journey of recovery and reclaiming your life.  Being in a relationship with a narcissist sucked everything out of you and compromised who you were, what you wanted and how you felt.  It may seem impossible to get back to the person you were before, but you can get your life, self-esteem and confidence back and once again become a happy, joyful person.

Confused and Doubting Yourself – After years of living with a narcissist and his mood swings, criticisms, gaslighting and lies it is no wonder that you will feel confused and lost.  It is common to experience anxiety, paranoia, fear, guilt and shame about the relationship.  Your entire existence was to make him feel good about himself and please him with no regard for yourself or your feelings.  This no doubt caused you to feel anxious all the time and constantly worrying if your reactions and actions were going to meet his needs.  You probably see now that nothing was ever enough, and he would never be completely satisfied.

It is hard to just stop feeling this way as his emotional abuse and manipulation has made you doubt yourself and your own reality.  He likely made you feel like you were crazy.  You may also have feelings of shame or guilt and wonder how you could have ever fallen for someone so evil or blame yourself for not seeing the signs.  You need to forgive yourself, this is not your fault.  This is what he does and he is so, so good at it.  He is charming and so manipulative that it was hard to see his true self until you were already sucked in.  He conditioned you to accept all the blame but it was not you, it was all him and acknowledging that will help in your recovery.  Educating yourself on narcissists and their traits will help you recognize their abuse and better understand that you are not the problem.

He Will Never Change – A narcissist will never change, ever.  He will always need someone to feed his supply and he will always be the victim and need control and power to feel good about himself.  He will never admit to being wrong and he will never give you the respect you deserve.  You once loved this person, you may still, and this may lead you to question yourself and if you could have changed him.  He cannot be changed, you will never fix him.  He may tell you that he will change but it is just another manipulation to get you to come back to him.  He thinks he is perfect so why does he need to change anything?

Disengage from Him – To truly heal and move on from him you need to disengage with him completely.  This means no in person interaction and no phone calls.  This will drive him crazy because he has lost control of you and he will not like it.  Do not be surprised when he sends you hostile emails or leaves threatening voice mails.  The best thing you can do is ignore them or if you need to respond take some time to think about it and gather your thoughts before saying something he can use against you.  You should also keep copies of all communication he sends you just in case you will need it in court.  He will not walk away quietly and will do whatever he can to cause chaos in your life and try to control you.

You need to disengage emotionally as well, and this will be hard to do as him and his needs have been your focus for so long.  Learning to not care what he thinks about you and not allowing him to be in control of your emotions will help you reclaim power over your life.  Treat interactions with him like a business relationship without involving your emotions.  As you disengage from him you will begin to see his cycle of abuse played out over and over in his work, family and personal relationships.  He is an energy vampire and will always need a source to keep his supply alive.

Recreate Yourself – Now that you have ended the relationship it is time to finally focus on yourself again.  You likely spent the last however many years making your entire life about him and you have no idea who you are or what you want in life.  As you begin to untangle from his lies, trauma and abuse get to know yourself again.  It will take time to heal and trust again and learn to value yourself but it will happen.  Part of your recovery will involve figuring out what you like to do, how you want to look and who you want to spend your time with.  Acknowledging that the relationship was abusive can help you forgive yourself and learn to love and respect yourself again. 

Self-care is a huge part of healing and moving on.  It is important to get enough sleep, exercise, eat well, participating in activities you enjoy and connecting with friends and family.  You will find it easier to manage stress and cope with your emotions when both your mind and body are being nurtured.  Talking to a professional with experience in narcissistic personalities will offer you coping skills and ways to understand the emotions you are feeling.

Take back control of your life and your future with Florida Women’s Law Group.  We were built to help women just like you and are here to support you throughout the entire process and empower you to end up better both financially and emotionally.